Shame/Self Loathing

Addiction is a bitch. MS is a MonSter. ADHD is a shithead. I have all three, so what am I?! Basically, I'm fucked... and not in a good way. Insert deep sigh

There is a vicious shame cycle that occurs within all of these and unfortunately, I ride it regularly. I have come a LONG way and I do love and appreciate the person that I am now and am still becoming. Still, it's not always easy. The term "trigger" has become a buzzword for a reason... because it's real. It can be something trivial or monumental that activates a switch that you may or may not be aware of. Unfortunately, I'm all too aware of this. Good news is: I have definitely made progress in recognizing this (not always) and I have the tools now for dealing with it. Bad news is: That doesn't stop it from happening and I don't always deal with it right away. It typically takes me a bit to realize what's happening and have a minor meltdown before I dive in and face it.

The shame cycle that comes with all of this is exhausting. No matter how much I work on it, shame will always rear its ugly head, and the self-loathing is right behind it. If you have never experienced this, DAMN, I'm envious of you but also happy for you. It's rough.

This weekend, I began a deep deep cleaning/purging of my house, and I did not expect all the triggers that came with it. Lots of pent-up feelings tucked away. Feelings of shame, heartache, loss, neglect, fear, pain... SO. MANY. FEELINGS. They say that the space you keep has a direct correlation to the space in your brain. Uh oh. I have three things that directly affect my brain (MS, ADHD, and addiction). Yikes. My brain is constantly scattered and bubbling over with thoughts racing a million miles per minute. It's frustrating to think that I have to keep up with all of these thoughts, let alone address them. Especially when I feel like I already have. Another reminder that this is all part of healing and growing. It's not fun. It's not pleasant. It's messy and painful and exhausting. The results are beautiful and comforting and rewarding... but they're also temporary and there is always more to do. So why even do it?! Because it is worth it. It is very very worth it.

But how do I get there?

1. Awareness:

   • The first step and the hardest part is always recognizing when you're in the midst of it (would be nice if you could recognize beforehand, but that's usually not how it works) and then addressing it. Taking your control back and facing it head on. The good, bad, and the ugly. All the "bad" feelings that were stuffed away in order to survive. We get so wrapped up in the weight of the world and day to day life, that sometimes "Autopilot" goes on and we fall back into old, unhealthy patterns without even realizing it.

2. Self-Compassion:

   • It's crucial to show yourself some compassion and grace when facing all the hard stuff. Be mindful and use kindness rather than criticism when acknowledging these difficult feelings. Showing yourself compassion is not taking away accountability, it's just giving yourself space to heal what is already painful without adding more to it.

3. Rewire your brain:

   • Reroute and reframe the negative thoughts and irrational beliefs that inevitably pop up. Identify them as they occur and force your brain to replace them with more well balanced and realistic thoughts. Shift your perspective to be as though you're speaking with a loved one. Let yourself be vulnerable and feel safe in that vulnerability. It's ok to feel whatever you are feeling.

4. Let it out/Set it Free:

   • Write it down. Journal. Talk to someone. This allows you to feel safe in releasing the pain, discomfort, and shame that may be attached to it. This also places the power back in your hands. The power to fight and to control your own outcome

     
     

     as much as possible. We can't control what happens to us, but we can certainly control how we respond and how we choose to cope.

5. Inhale/Exhale:

   • Remember to breathe. Deep breaths allow us to slow down and remember it's ok. We're ok. No matter what... we will be ok. 💖