Reflections

While on my annual family vacation this year, I had a lot of time to reflect. Partly because I caught a vicious bug, so I was stuck in bed, but also because I as I age and heal, I'm able to see more through a clearer lens. I have been so many different versions of myself in the past 40+ years of this vacation. For a long time, I became full of rage whenever things would change at our favorite spots out there. I was so terrified of change, that I didn’t realize it could be for the better. I also didn’t take into account how much I, myself, was changing through it all. 

I gazed down at the lake and the cove that I have known my entire life, and saw myself as a teeny tiny tot, running around in a bathing suit getting dirty. Then the many, many core memories of joint family trips with my friends by my side. Followed by the teenage years with boyfriends and skimpy bikinis. Early adulthood in alcohol fueled decades with chaos and family feuds (typically ignited by booze). Even the years of illness, MS attacks, and post-surgery with Doctor’s orders to stay in bed, out of the sun, and out of the boat. 

Still, nothing would ever come between me and my family vacation. 

All of these visions flashed before my eyes, and I began to honor the different versions of myself that I unknowingly was born into or later became.

•The carefree child: what an incredible gift to have as a child. How lucky I was to have the parents and family friends that I did… and still do have. These memories have shaped my adult relationships immensely.

•The sneaky, rebellious teen: my eyes still fill with tears if I think of her. How much pain I carried, with no outlet or release. No knowledge of how to handle it, and so much fear around communicating, even though I know now that it would have helped tremendously. My heart still aches for her. So young to carry such heavy burdens and pains. 

•The wild one: committed to living up to my party-girl persona, no matter who it hurt… including myself. The secrets, the unhealed pain turned into addiction. The sex used as power to manipulate and mask as strength. All the dangerous and painful situations that I got myself into. I hurt for this young woman too, but I also cringe.

•The current healing woman: In my sobriety, leading with genuine strength and compassion for myself and others. Realizing that I am responsible for my life and my character. I have a choice. It may not always be a fun choice, but it’s mine to make. 

It took me decades of pain and suffering to climb out of the victim mentally and decide to become who I want to be, not just who I was settling for or who I thought I should be. At a certain point, I can’t blame my past for my present, and I certainly do not want to let it dictate my future. It is up to me to heal. It is my responsibility and honor to keep healing and growing. Every single day, I get to make a choice.

Will I be someone that others can rely on?

Will I be someone others can trust?

Will I care more about my loved ones needs than my own?

Will I still take care of my own needs?

Will I do the right thing, even if it ruffles feathers?

Will I help a someone in need?

Will I keep my word?

Will I continue to hold defenses and place blame on others?

Will I try to find the good in everything?

These are questions that I ask myself daily. I’m sad (and quite embarrassed) to say, some of these things don’t come naturally to me. But I try my hardest. And on the days when I can’t do my best, I simply rest so that I don’t fall back into old patterns or habits. I’m very VERY far from perfect, but I’m whole just as I am, and I'm healing.

Honor the past versions of yourself who did the best they could with what they had. Forgive (but don’t forget) the versions of you who didn’t and those who wronged you along the way. If they are not making it right, they will face their own judgement day. Just ask yourself daily… do I want to be bitter or better? I promise you; the latter is much more rewarding. At any time, at any point, you can decide to change. You can be whoever you want to be. You have authority over your life. Open your eyes to what could be and then make it happen. Feel it, heal it, and then watch yourself bloom.