The ADHD of it All

Being diagnosed with ADHD at the ripe age of 39 has been a strange journey for me. It's been both eye opening and frustrating. At times, it has been comforting to know that this is actually in my brain and not just a character flaw. Other times, it's discouraging and just makes me sad that my brain struggles so much. Between MS and ADHD, it seems like my brain is always in a battle. Trying to manage it all can be exhausting.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't know what to feel. My immediate thought was that it wasn't right. I remember kids in school having ADD and bouncing off the walls. This was not me. I was shy and kept to myself in my own little world. Turns out, that's a huge sign for girls. If we'd have known more about it when I was in preschool, perhaps I could have been helped instead of just held back because I "live in fantasy land." Although, I still live there and I generally speaking, I enjoy it.

The medication aspect was also confusing for me. As an addict, I was hesitant when my psychiatrist suggested Adderall. All that I knew of Adderall is that it's basically controlled cocaine and people abuse it to have energy and lose weight. I once took half of one at a party and passed out shortly after. Turns out, it does not make me stay awake or feel like I'm on speed. On the contrary, it calms me down and helps me focus. It also helps with emotional regulation, which has always been a massive struggle for me. I feel things very very deeply and I can't always control it. Not in an endearing way... in an annoying way. I would constantly be angry at myself for not being able to "get a grip." This would leave me with lots of embarrassment and shame. Which also led to my drinking. One big circle of disfunction going on.

I decided to deep dive into ADHD and I was shocked and some things that I learned. It definitely did describe me. Many people have misconceptions of ADHD, just as I did. Here are some things that I have learned about what I struggle with specifically:

• Executive function: The brain is wired to keep tasks organized and everything controlled. ADHD causes these functions to misfire and become impaired. It's like having a control panel with faulty wiring. This affects things like memory, impulses, time management, organization, etc. This also affects emotional regulation and your ability to process emotions in a healthy manner. If your car or computer short circuits, it won't work correctly, if at all. This is the ADHD brain.

  
  

• Organization: most people with ADHD lack the ability to prioritize tasks or regulate these daily skills, leaving things unfinished and in constant struggle with chaos surrounding them. The desire to get things together is strong, however, the brain just cannot keep up. Once it gets out of hand, it becomes so overwhelming that practically paralyzes me to stop myself from doing anything about it. This, of course, is followed by more shame.

  
  

• Sleep Quality: inconsistent function and energy levels from ADHD can lead to irregular sleep patterns, inability to keep a routine and stay on track with a sleep schedule. We all know how important sleep is. If anyone is missing sleep, it affects their brains. Throw that into ADHD or MS and we're basically doomed.

While I would like to be able to list each and every symptom, along with exactly how they affect me; my brain is listing about 10 more things while simultaneously playing "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield on repeat.

Navigating ADHD and MS has been interesting. This week, I found out that perimenopause affects both of these and increases many of the struggles, so that should be fun (insert eyeroll). I'm incredibly grateful for the help that I've received from my doctors. Hormones are wild and being a woman is hard!

While every single day is a struggle of some degree for me, I am trying to reason with my brain and get myself in a routine, while also showing myself some grace. Taking very small steps towards achieving a goal may seem pointless, but it's still something. My incredible Aunt (who also struggles with MS) always tells me that "baby steps are still steps," and it's true. It's important to celebrate all our wins, no matter how big or small. Progress is progress.

Try to chip away the shame and give yourself credit for all your accomplishments. With a brain like this, sometimes just making it through the day without a nervous breakdown is a feat to be celebrated. Write down all of your achievements today and give yourself a hug or a treat because you deserve it. We got this!