Quick to judge/Slow to reflect

One of my beautiful friends posted something a few weeks ago that really resonated with me deeply. It was speaking about how we judge others and when we talk about people, it says much more about us than it does them. I’ve been thinking about this a lot because one of my biggest pet peeves is a gossiping. Yet, I’ve been guilty of it… too many times to count.

As I have been reflecting on this, I have been thinking so much about a dear friend that we just lost. My best friend’s mom and my mom’s best friend. She was a force and also one of the best humans I’ve ever known. She was full of knowledge and wonder and love. She was so genuine in always wanting to help (and she did help many MANY people). I admired several things about her but one that sticks out to me is how she never spoke badly about people. Even if their actions were bad- she wasn’t one to blame or talk about others. As we get older and start losing more great ones, we begin to realize how much we affect people. Who we are and how we affect people while we’re here is important.

I genuinely try to work at the way that I judge others, because of her example. I think it’s a disgusting habit that unfortunately, comes too naturally to us and is almost a form of bonding between women. But why?? You know that feeling when you first meet someone or you know someone who just irks you? Instead of just talking about them or laughing at them, have you ever asked yourself WHY it makes you feel that way? That uncomfortable or annoyed feeling deep down? 10 out of 10 times, the reason that we feel that way is because it has something to do with us, not the other person. Truly. Instead of immediately getting that ick feeling, I’ve started to ask myself: what does this say about me? Why am I so bothered? Or even bothered at all?

I suppose this may be what a therapist would refer to as deflecting- when you criticize someone else for something to take the focus off of yourself. It’s the same thing when it comes to making judgements and gossiping about others. If they are not harming anyone, why do we feel the need to talk about them negatively? What’s worse? Their annoying habit/personality trait or your poking fun at them with others? Definitely the latter is worse, in my opinion, because you are being mean spirited and ugly.

When you flip the script to ask yourself why you are bothered, only to reveal an insecurity or unhealed wound that you have, it doesn’t feel very good. But it is certainly very telling and it shines a light on what still needs some inner work done. I have begun to look at it as a form of self care. Just like you would go to the gym if you want to tone up, or give yourself a facial if your skin needs some help, or stretch your muscles if you’re feeling stiff and sore. It’s the inner care that we can do ourselves.

Part of living a sober lifestyle is taking moral inventory each day and making amends with anyone or anything that you need to. If I’m honest, I don’t do this every single day like I should, but I do notice when I’ve gotten lazy with it for far too long. Then, when I get back to it, I also notice a big shift in the way that I feel and how I conduct myself. I’m happier, I feel healthier and more confident. I feel more in alignment with myself and the world. While it may seem like such a trivial, inconsequential thing, I can tell you honestly that it really works!

Next time that you feel a certain type of way about someone, I challenge you to question it. Do they remind you of something about yourself that you hate? Do they remind you of someone who caused you harm that you haven’t healed from? Do they possess a quality that you secretly wish you had? It can reveal things that you may be fighting or hiding, but will be set free from when you face it. Stand up for yourself by facing the ick inside yourself. Embrace it, heal it, then work on letting it go or changing it. We cannot change others. Ever. But we can change ourselves. ❤️