"Man, you are one pathetic loser! No offense..."

This line, from the movie "Dumb & Dumber" was one that we used countless times growing up, and also seems fitting now. Today I attended the bridal shower for one of my longest friendships (40+ years) and was dressed as Lloyd Christmas, in honor of her/our friendship.

While getting ready for this event, I thought to myself how amazing it was that I was not even nervous. I would be seeing friends that I haven't seen or spoken to years... some, even decades! It was a surprising and glorious feeling to be excited more than nervous. Once I got there, my heart did cartwheels from all the familiar smiles and warm hugs. As I stood there talking for a while, I began to feel my leg twitch and weaken. Immediately, those wonderful feelings were replaced by the terrible critic in my brain. "You are so embarrassing. Everyone is probably staring at you thinking how old and fat you look. You can't even stand for a few minutes, what a loser!" Thankfully, I had my Grandma to use as an excuse to find a seat. Once I was seated, the gracious hostess offered to get me a drink. There went my brain again. "Too bad you can't drink cuz you don't know how to control it, you loser. A drink would help you right now." I asked for a sparkling water. "You're so boring now, no one will like you anymore." My mom must have sensed that I was uncomfortable, because she immediately offered to go get me a cocktail glass for my water, so that I could at least FEEL like I was having a drink. I'm positive that she has no idea how much that meant to me and what it did for me in that moment. It's wild, realizing how much I used alcohol to cope with my insecurities. If I was drunk, I could blame my unsteady balance on that. Better yet, if I was completely wasted, I wouldn't even feel my balance, pain, or discomfort. Damn, I wish I could have a drink. I don't really want to, and I won't, but it's very thought-provoking being aware of this conversation and logic in my brain.

Next, it's time to eat, so I stand in line for the beautiful spread that has been put out. Every single thing I put on my plate, comes with more commentary from my brain. "Don't get pasta salad, you're too fat. Oh brother, don't get regular salad, no one is going to believe that you eat that. You're too fat. Why did you get a sandwich?! You know your hands are going in and out of numbness, you can't hold that to eat it! You're so embarrassing, you loser." My therapist told me that our brains subconsciously spew these thoughts at us all day long and asked if I ever stop to listen to them. I didn't until I started therapy and quit drinking. My goodness, I am HORRIBLE to myself! Regardless of the tormentor in my head, I had a wonderful time with everyone. On my drive home, I decided to sit in silence and just let my brain have a moment. Why would I speak this way to myself? I would never even think like this about someone else. Especially not anyone I love. So why do I do it to myself?! I really do love who I am. I have fought to become her and I'm so proud of the progress I have made and continue to make. So why do I immediately feel like that's not enough... like I'm not enough? "Everyone has such amazing grown-up jobs that are so fascinating. Everyone has kids and a beautiful home/car/relationship. I bet no one else struggles with addiction or chronic illness or self-worth. Why am I so broken???"

I sighed and felt my eyes fill up with tears. I decided that I needed some background noise to drown out my own mind. I turned on a happy playlist and began to sing along. Music truly is medicinal. I felt better in no time as my critical thoughts were replaced with fond memories of my life with all the amazing friends that I had just seen. I found myself just laughing as I thought of all the moments we've shared. What a beautiful life I've had and how lucky I am! I'm sure that not one person was judging me the way that I was judging myself. How often do I actually do this and how long has this been going on?! More importantly, how the hell do I stop it, because these thoughts cannot be good for me. I wonder if it's my addiction that says these things as excuses to drink again. I wonder if it's that time when I was 8 years old at the beach and my cousin told me I was short and fat. Maybe it's because I'm having a hard time dealing with aging after having put so much emphasis on looks growing up.

Whatever the reason, it should not and cannot consume me. It doesn't define me. We face way too much pressure from societal norms that are automatically put on us... we don't need to feel that from our loved ones or from ourselves. There will always be someone younger than me. More beautiful. More talented. A better dancer. A better cook. The list goes on and on. Would I want to trade places with any of those people? I can genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, answer "no" to that question. I am still madly in love with husband (emphasis on madly- ha!). I love my home and all of the little things that remind me of my in-laws. I love the way my little furry bundles of joy come running when I step up to the door. This is what I need to remind my brain. These moments, people, smiles, laughs, memories... these are things that are treasured and matter. In this area, there is no comparison. I am the richest, most beautiful, and gifted person that there is, because of all this love around me. Maybe that's what I am supposed to be learning and always reminding myself of. The power and value of love and connection.

To end this rant with another movie quote that the Bride and I held dear:

"You've got to laugh a little, cry a little, until the clouds roll by a little. That's the story of... that's the glory of love." -Bette Midler, 'Beaches'