Bitchfest: MS Edition

I make a concerted effort each day to keep my brain in a positive headspace. Not because I’m in denial or disingenuous, but because I genuinely cannot deal with life otherwise. When I go dark, I go DARK, and it’s not healthy for anyone.

That being said, I also know how unhealthy it is to hold things insid, so it’s important for me to give myself the space the unload. We all have our shit to deal with and it’s ok to feel sorry for yourself once in awhile. It’s hard out here!

Lately, for me, Multiple Sclerosis has become more of a problem. Everyone told me that I will reach a point as I’m aging, where I will develop new symptoms and it will no longer be easy to bounce back from attacks. Surprise, surprise! Everyone was right. My body continues to rebel against me more and more.

Bitchfest Complaints:

1.) I can’t get a full night’s sleep, no matter how tired I am

2.) The second that my feet hit the floor in the morning, I am in fairly severe pain all over.

3.) My feet feel like they’re on fire and I’m stepping on a Lego.

4.) My body aches from my scalp, down my neck and spine, through my legs, to my toes.

5.) Stretching sometimes helps (sometimes it doesn’t), but as soon as I finish stretching, I feel like I’m done for the day due to extreme exhaustion.

6.) My congnititve functions begin to suffer if I’m staring at a computer too long. On that note, I need to take a quick nap…

7.) Fatigue- I’m back after a little nap, still feeling like I could hibernate for a few years. You know the feeling after you’ve been swimming all day in the sun? That’s how my body feels. Sunburned and exhausted, but I have no glowing tan to show for it.

8.) Pins & Needles- constantly battling the stinging pain that feels like tiny needles stabbing me all over.

9.) Electric shock- every time I move my head, even the slightest bit, I get what feels like electricity shocking down my spine.

10.) Temperature- if I overheat, I will start vomiting and develop Vertigo. If I get too cold, my body stiffens and I feel as though my limbs are blocks of ice that can be broken off.

I often refer to myself as Goldilocks because it seems I have to find the temp that is “just right.”

I could go on and on, really, but once I begin listing everything and get it out, I eventually get sick of writing about it/thinking about it. Then I start a list of everything that I’m grateful for, that could be (and has been) worse.

Gratitude for what I’m no longer dealing with:

1.) I can write/type this blog

2.) I can wash/brush my own hair/teeth

3.) I can get myself dressed

4.) I can walk

5.) I can talk

6.) I have vision in both eyes

7.) I’m not bedridden

8.) I have an understanding job/boss who cares

9.) I have paper plates stocked for when I can’t do dishes

10.) I have the ability to pull myself out of dark times

These thoughts of gratitude came to me immediately and started piling in. When I’m reminded of these blessings and how far I’ve come, I know that it’s not as bad as it seems or feels in the moment.

Now that I’ve let my bitch flag fly, and I am also feeling grateful, it’s time to act on that gratitude and do something that will make me smile. Today is a pool day where I can control my temp, be surrounded by beautiful nature, and allow my body to relax. Instead of getting angry at my body, I am rewarding it for how hard it works every second of the day. “Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.” Be sure to let yourself enjoy it… I know I will!!