Birthday Blues?

I just celebrated my 42nd birthday, which is very odd, considering I'm only 25. It's even more confusing that sometimes I feel like I'm 87. Is this what growing up feels like?

This year, I spent the day with only my immediate family, and it may have been the best birthday to date.

Ever since my parents split up (when I was 13 years old), I have dreamed of having a family BBQ like old times. Nothing big or extravagant, just a day where every single person is comfortable, relaxed, and happy. Well, 29 years later, my wish came true. The joy and love that filled the room was overflowing. The laughter was nonstop (side note: my parents are two of the funniest humans in the entire world and my stepmom is a saint).

After everything died down and it was time for bed, my older sister and I sat outside just chatting about how special it was. Let me tell you, it was worth the wait. We even talked about having a family vacation all together!

On the way home the next morning, I could not stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. Both happy and sad tears (Brittersweet, some would say?!) with a vast array of feelings. While my heart was exploding with joy for myself, I also was thinking of how much my Grandparents would have LOVED being there and how deeply I wished they could have been. When my Grandma was in the hospital soon before she passed, there was a day that both my mom and dad happened to be there with her. She told me later that she closed her eyes and just listened to them, while they thought she was asleep, and it made her SO happy to hear them talking. I can still see her face as she told me this and it brings a smile to my heart and tears to my eyes.

While I smiled at the thought of both she and my Grandpa getting to witness this beautiful family bliss that essentially, they created... it also brought some deep sorrow. Our family will never ever be the same. Not just because they are gone, but because beyond our immediate family tight bond, the glue has come undone. What once would have been (and used to be) a large family unit, has unraveled. Unfortunately, my Grandma did have to see that, and we had many discussions about it (which I'm grateful for), but it still broke her heart, and it broke mine. I suppose it's good that my Grandpa was not here to see that, because he would have been livid. Although, my Grandma said "if Grandpa was still alive, it would have never been this way. He would not have allowed it." I believe her and agree.

I also began to think of all the families being torn apart, not by their choosing. All the families going through constant chaos with no end in sight. While it makes me remain unbelievably appreciative, it also ignites such anger and sadness. This world can be so dark.

Getting older is a trip. Navigating relationships never gets easier, you just begin to keep your circle smaller and closer. You (hopefully) learn to cope with pain and embrace growth. Deciding between what is right and wrong, what is best for you and your health, how to consistently show up for those who show up for you. Realizing that family is the most important thing... but also that you get to choose your family. One of the most valuable lessons that I've learned in my 42 years of screwing up, is that the truest, most pure forms of happiness come in a deep love that brings you peace. Be it romance, family, friendship, or most importantly, the relationship with yourself. This is where we will find our greatest pleasure and peace.