The question that has gone through my mind for almost a decade. It's not like I drank every day. I could go weeks without drinking. "You just need to cut back or learn to moderate." If I had a nickel for every time I heard that from myself or someone else, I'd be almost as rich as if I had a nickel for every time I attempted to cut back or moderate. That's the problem. I can't. Once I start drinking, there is a demon in me that will not stop. I will go to ridiculous lengths to keep the party going.
Quitting drinking was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. If you don't struggle with addiction, you're lucky and you wouldn't understand. I've gone through paralysis, where I had to teach myself to walk again... and still, giving up booze was harder. It was also the best decision that I ever made, but it was hard. It's still hard. Because the fact of the matter is that alcohol isn't the problem, it's a symptom. The hard truth is that I'm an addict. Here I am approaching 3 years alcohol free and this past week, I found myself starting at step one all over again. Be it booze, sugar, shopping, work, phone... I find a coping skill that comforts me, and it becomes my new obsession. It's embarrassing and shameful, but it's also the truth.
The last few months, I've been silently struggling. Facing family issues and feeling crushed inside. I battle with understanding if my feelings are over the top due to my MS brain, ADHD, and being highly sensitive... or if they are valid. Regardless though, the feelings are very real and very painful. Instead of ever voicing them, I have been fluttering through life day by day, keeping as busy as possible, doing as much as my body will allow, and basically just trying to forget/numb what I really feel, which is heartbreak. Disappointment. Betrayal. Confusion. Fear. Anxiety. Pain. Lots of pain. So much pain, that finally, my body has begun to handle it for me (which also feels like it's against me). Finally, I broke last night. I came to my husband and just broke. Surprisingly, in these moments when I hit my breaking point, I am quite a bit stronger. Once I actually surrender to the fact that I am NOT ok and that I am not handling things well, I feel like I have some control again. I'm no longer spiraling in what feels like an emotional and mental vertigo episode.
I have to then face the fact that recovery is not a one-time battle. Healing is not linear. It's bumpy and windy and messy. But once you've started the journey, it's impossible to stop, because the rewards are like nothing imaginable. The growth and wholeness that comes with recovery is by far, the greatest high I've ever experienced. A beautiful one, at that. It is not a self-serving, fancy, fun high. It is a light in the deepest, darkest parts of me and a connection that is so much greater than all of us. So here I go, back on the road to recovery. This time though, I'm packed and ready for the trip. I know the routes to take and I am prepared. It's a long road and I'm sure I'll get some motion sickness, but I'll also experience some unbelievable views and scenery. First stop: music, nature, and prayer. Let's gooooooo 🤙
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